Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Cast your troubles away

I am a firm believer in God, I believe in his existence, wonderful works, and just his total awesomeness....but I also believe I am somewhat of a hypocrite because despite all this I have my doubts (Big Doubts) instead of putting all my faith and trust in him. This senior year of mine in high school would have to been the most difficult and what I believe somewhat of a test. I was excited to go to university, be away from home, and meet amazing new people.

Because of this I worked fairly hard (could have worked harder) but actually SLAVED over my college essays. I literally put my heart, soul, health, and tears into everything I wrote. I will be honest and let you know that I started my writing various essays from August 2010 to March of this year, that's about 7 months!! At the end of March I received a rejection letter from the one school that has been my whole life. From a small child I walked on this campus, attended my grandmother's alumni events, went to my mother's graduation, not to mention my academic classes since middle school were predetermined for this university.

But flash forward to a few days after receiving that rejection letter I was literally going Crazy. I actually cursed the Lord and blamed him for everything that was going wrong. My parents were heartbroken by my reactions not because of my rejection. I cried myself sick, and became the worst person for those few days. To this day I pray to God and thank him for giving me such supportive parents who love me very much. At that time I felt as if nothing could help me, and I actually hated the thought of going to Community college. It wasn't exactly going there that upset me, but the fact I worked so hard during high school and wasn't able to leave home. I question god EVERY DAY and would have random emotional outbursts about 3 times a day. I got accepted to other universities but that never mattered because all I wanted was this particular school. But what I didn't realize that at the end of my rejection letter this school wrote about how they still wanted me to attend but after one year and I would be most likely guaranteed admission. Hearing this never made sense for I kept questioning "why not now?!!".

Well flash forward to now and I am accepting and not bitter for what lies ahead for me. I know God has my best interest in mind, it's just that I am such a negative person or maybe I'll be honest and say "one of little faith". I never looked at the positives of this situation until now. A huge factor is that going to this university I will be getting free tuition. Tuition is about 56,000 per year and something I wouldn't be able to pay without this scholarship. While I am immensely thankful for this one drawback is that room and board is not covered by this so I would be taking a loan for approximately $20,000 just for ONE YEAR!!! Isn't that insane?! But I am still extreamly thankful and VERY appreciative towards what I do have!. I love this school not only because of my family, but because it truly holds my career interest from a professional standpoint, the student life, and spiritually meets my needs, and is close to home!

This post may sound whiny and dragged out to some, but it is nothing but the truth. Honestly I feel selfish because I am still attending this school, just not when i wanted to and getting to attend for free. But my point is that God knows what he is doing, and like in the bible it says there is a time for everything. I need to stop worrying myself to death and put my trust in the Lord. There are people with bigger problems and in the end I am still getting what I want...plus saving even more money that I was before. I think I'll stop ranting on, and just say that I truly underestimate God and his amazing capabilities, he has already blessed me so much, and I am thankful every day. The Lord gives me strength to carry on, and never gives anyone too much that they can't handle.

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