I've always felt that posting negative things would depict me as a complainer or someone who lacked faith in herself. Although I rarely let this brooding thought hinder me from sharing stories on cyberspace it's become more of an issue because this is affecting me in reality. I need to get this off my chest! It's like running up a mountain and screaming out all your worries. Lately (or more like daily), I have been feeling extremely frustrated. Here are a few thoughts and questions that invade my brain every night before I fall asleep. Why am I doing this? This is what I wanted and still do. So...why is it so hard? This is not what I expected. What does the man up stairs want? Everyone is in their own world. I've tried many times for certain things....does it mean it was never worth it and I should just give up. Ugh, if that's the case can the wasted time and humility be spared?! I feel so lost now. Oh God I'm losing my sense of intuitivity and creativity! Inner peace is getting harder to obtain. Can I please, PLEASE get some sort of guidance here?!!
I'm at the point where my inclusive questioning has started to turn into wild raging frustration. If only you could hear how angrily I'm typing on the keyboard you'd get some sort of sense that I'm not all right. Maybe I am the type that needs answers. Or maybe because I've always been the type to plan my goals and future out. I should be content right? I am exactly where I wanted to be. However, that rough journey to get to Destination A, which I did, has just gotten even rougher. Obviously it's no walk in the park but this is definitely not what I expected. I admit hands down that this semester is way better than my first. However, it still isn't even close to what I imagined. I'm too serious, second guess myself more than before, assume the worst and I've lost sight on more important matters regarding my inner self. I'm usually not like this or at least don't want to be and I say this with an almost heart wrenching cry.
This brings me to another point. I was reading somewhere on how we continuously plan and hope for the future without acknowledging the present. I realized that I wasn't actually pleased with the present so the future always looked hopeful or in truth like an ESCAPE from reality. Oh yeah everyone, I am being completely raw and honest and uncomfortably exposing myself at this point! And I bring this up because I am doing it again! In the past my goals and dreams consisted of me attending my current university, majoring in my current major and attending classes that I am CURRENTLY enrolled in. While all of this is happening, I find myself dreaming of the next break from school and even worse graduation and life after college!! I have just begun and yet I am dreaming of when it will all be over. Oh wow! I am having déjà vu... I've seen this somewhere before. Or how about I've done it before! To my horror it's like high school where I counted the days until graduation to start my 'real' life. And while life after high school really picked up, I am disappointed to admit that I have acquired that old mindset of mine where the future supersedes the present so there is no time to enjoy much.
I cannot carry on like this. I want to get away. Do some self-discovering in a country I've never been to. Photograph the wonders around me. I want to explore new territory. Dance crazily at an EDM concert. Savor it all. Practice French freely without the expectations of impressing a professor. Be the young adult that I am physically but am mentally far away from. Enjoy my youth. Meet amazing people and truly connect with them. Give myself some credit. Stop being so hard on myself. Stop holding myself back. Stop hesitating at the random opportunities. Stop letting fear get in the way. Take a chance. Maybe even a risk or two. But more importantly I want to be myself and start enjoying life.